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Sony Basks in Internet Glory: Gamescom 2014

Sony kicked off their 2014 Gamescom recap by announcing the PlayStation 4 has sold over 10 billion units.  “That’s right,” said a confident Jim Ryan, president of Sony Computer Entertainment Europe, “We have sold enough PlayStations that everyone the world has one. Some people even have two.  That just speaks to the quality of the PlayStation 4.”

The news came fast and furious from Sony who announced a slew of new games and new initiatives to make the world of interactive entertainment a better place.  One such initiative was called Share Play.  Sony explained, “Share Play allows those poor, unfortunate souls who can’t afford video games to play online, passing control back and forth with a friend.  Remember the good old days when Joe down the street would get Resident Evil and would invite you over to watch him play, a vague promise you might get a turn at some point?  It’s like that, and don’t worry it still comes with friendship ending fights over who gets to play the boss battles.  In fact, we’ve even included a feature which lets you hit each other as you fight for control of the game, so you can still keep that childhood spirit alive.”

It wouldn’t have been a Sony Press Conference if Destiny hadn’t shown up.  LIke the drunk guy who always sniffs out a party he wasn’t invited to, Destiny had a multiplayer trailer to show off.  Ah, Destiny, now way, a multiplayer trailer?  I haven’t ever seen one of those before.

Ninja Theory showed up to let everyone know douche bag Dante had been put in a cardboard box, never to be opened again.  With no more DmC to worry about, the developer has been hard at work on a new game called Hellblade.  You can settle down, we already asked and this is not a sequel to Heavenly Sword.  Heavenly Sword.  Hellblade.  We’ll let you be the judge here.

Hideo Kojima showed up to let everyone know that he’s still a creeper.  In his attempt to make sure Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain deals with mature and adult themes, upgrades have been made to the infamous cardboard box.  Snake can now turn the box into a swimsuit model which is used to attract men. These mouthbreathers then stare at the box, dumbfounded.  Much of this article, you may have deduced, is in jest.  This cardboard box part is not.  This is not a joke.  This is real.  Thank you Hideo Kojima, without you were never would have had Swimsuit Girl Cardboard Box. So good.

The PlayStation TV is coming to new regions so people can continue not buying it.  PlayStation Now is coming to Europe so fans can pay €19.99 to play Final Fantasy XIII for six hours.  And the Vita is dead.  Suhei Yoshida took it out back and put a bullet between its eyes, lets all move on and forget it ever happened.

More games found their way to the stage.  Wild is the game Beyond Good & Evil fans have been waiting for since — well, since Beyond Good & Evil, so maybe those people will finally shut up.  The teen horror game Until Dawn is alive and well, unlike its characters will be.  The trailer boasts the game will let you decide which characters survive; if I could pick the teen stars who I get to kill off, this would be Game of the Year.  I’m looking at you, Miley Cyrus.

Also, if a game was good — even if it was okay — on the PS3, it’s coming to the PS4.  Journey and The Unfinished Swan are on their, and Sony wanted to let people know they were open to any re-releases they hadn’t thought of yet.  Heavy Rain, God of War III, you name it, they’re willing to port it

A confident Ryan stood on stage by the press conference’s end and said, “I think by now you’ll realize that Microsoft sucks the big one.  If you want to play Tomb Raider, I guess you will have to deal with your poor decision.  Now everyone bow down and bask in the mighty glory that is the PlayStation 4.”

The internet did as they were bade.

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