Kim Kardashian is one of the most power and inspirational figures in modern day America. After living a life of luxury and privilege, she overcame amazing odds and found true fame in the American Dream of whoring one’s life out as cable TV reality show. After having a sex tape leaked of her and something named Ray-J, who I believe and an R&B singer of sorts (well, he’s most famous for being in a sex tape, so technically he’s a porn star) Kardashian quickly had her profile raised for reasons defying logic. Following the sex tape scandal, Kim married NBA player Kris Humphries for 72 days, nearly half as long as the iconic coupling of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. Kardashian then ascended into A-list status when it was announced she and a malfunctioning robot named Kanye West were having a baby. These days she is married to West, and living happily ever after. It’s been a wild ride for Kim, but now she wants you to share her public rollercoaster of split-second marriages and leaked sex tapes with Kim Kardashian Hollywood, a mobile game available on iOS.
You begin the game by picking your gender and resting douche-face. Don’t even look for a face with a smile that isn’t condescending, because this game knows people who ascend the ladder of talentless Hollywood need a smirk that makes them look smug and entitled. You want a face for your character that makes people think, “If that person got crushed under a piano in a freak Loony Tunes-esque accident, we’d all probably be better off.” You continue to customize your character with skin color, hair color, and and hairstyle. Finally, and most important, you pick your clothes. Yep, in Kim Kardashian Hollywood, clothes are the most important thing you can own, because, duh! Finally, after you have played the game for a few minutes, it asks you what the fuck your name is, because apparently names are an after-thought in the world of Hollywood.
My favorite part of Kim Kardashian Hollywood is how they completely nail Los Angeles. It’s totally pretty and sunny all the time, there’s never any smog from the city’s pollution and no garbage tossed haphazardly on the street. The game also shows you all the places in LA where people really live, like Downtown LA, Beverly Hills, Hollywood, and LAX, places where you can truly see what LA is like.
The game starts you working at a retail clothing store and owning an apartment in downtown Los Angeles. Again, this game totally gets exactly what its like living in Los Angeles on shoestring budget and trying to be famous for no reason. Even those working in retail at can afford an apartment in Downtown Los Angeles for $1,000/month, duh again! While closing at your job, guess who should walk in the door but the famous-for-a-reason-I-can’t-remember Kim Kardashian. She asks for clothes because she spilled shame all over hers and you give them to her for free because you don’t care about this job or the $1,000/month apartment you can’t afford, you like to play it fast and loose. Why else would you have that asshole smirk on your face?
Kim is so touched – or possibly concerned by your utter disregard for how commerce works – that she invites you to a photo shoot so you can watch her be all beautiful. But you can NOT show up wearing your poor-people clothes. So you go to your apartment – which you must pay for with drug money or perhaps some sort of insurance settlement where a neighbor ran over you with their Lexus – and change into some clothes which won’t embarrass Kim (please, she’s already sold all her dignity).
After you change, its time to head over to the studio so you can be amazed at Kim doing whatever is that she does. You travel to the studio by taking a bus, which is strangely the same as teleportation. The game tells you you’re taking a bus, but you never actually see a bus, instead you just disappear and reappear, kind of like how wizards and witches get around in the Harry Potter universe.
When you show up at the studio, Kim surprises you by revealing she’s already done with her shoot and now it’s your turn! No way! Oh, Kim, you ol’ so-and-so. Clearly Kim has an eye for talent because she’s known you for less than 5 minutes and already booked you a modeling shoot with professional photographer. While posing for photographs you dynamically interact with the environment by tapping circles on the screen. When you tap these circles your character continues to stand still while the game tells you what a good job you’re doing. After you tap the screen enough times, money and energy drop from the heavens. You must pick up this money by tapping on it, but you better be quick or it will disappear. This inventive gameplay keeps you on your toes and tapping the screen. It also shows you how in Hollywood, when you follow the demands of photographers and celebrities money just randomly falls from the sky, it’s so crazy!
You then attend a party with Kim who is supposed to be introducing you to her manager, but the manager has already left. So you order drinks for $10 a pop and get hit on a shallow guy or girl (classy, kinda). When you leave the party, which is so lame Kim couldn’t even beg her manager to stick around, you are immediately confronted by a well-adjusted individual who claims you were just flirting with their boy/girlfriend. This person starts slamming you on Twitter (oh, god no! Not my Twitter! #devastated) and Kim tells you that now, not only do you need a manager, but also a publicist to handle the fallout of somebody trashing you on social media. She also sets you up on a date and says, “Oh, by the way, are you gay?” Unfortunately, the game lacks a dialogue option that says, “None of your fucking business. I don’t want you to set me up on a date. Where is your bathroom because I have always wanted to use a $10,000 toilet.” You can only stand there helpless as she says, “Bible. I love that on you.”
It’s then you realize, there is no God.
You meet the manager Kim hooked you up with, Simon, who gets you the same fuckin’ job Kim got you on day one. If this guy is supposed to be some sort of amazing manager, why am I doing the same photo shoot Kim got me? Why do I need you, Simon? Luckily this guy works for free, because no one has any idea how to actually run a business in this game. Then you meet your publicist who asks you if you are a “bitter loner.” Yes, publicist, I am a bitter loner, that’s how I made friends with Kim Kardashian by saying less than five words.
It’s at this point of the game when my character ran out of energy. Being a TMZ celebrity is hard work and you can’t do it all in one night, unless you want to pay the convenient amount of $100. If you won’t pay Kim’s celebrity ransom, then the game allows you to sit in silence and think about your life and the mistakes you made to be playing a Kim Kardashian video game at 2 in the morning, covered in Oreo crumbs and regret.
Kim Kardashian Hollywood is a spectacular games, it truly simulates how Kim Kardashian arose to fame by having you do nothing except be attractive and rich. As you progress through the game you gain the ability to star in your own reality show and sex tape, maintain a marriage for less than three months, and become involved with a rapper who does this, and this, and all of this. Perfect score. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll going to cuddle my toaster in the bathtub.