Sony Confirms, ‘Uncharted Movie Will Be Terrible’

In a refreshing bit of honesty, Sony recently confirmed that not only have they set a date of June 10th, 2016 for the Uncharted movie, but also confirmed it will be awful.  After the film was announced this past week at San Diego Comic Con, the producers were quick to get in front of the press and let everyone know to not get their expectations too high as the Uncharted film would make sure to keep the bar for cinematic video game interpretations wonderfully low.  After Sony did what many thought to be impossible and make a Spider-Man film worse Sam Raimi’s spectacularly awful Spider-Man 3, they bumped the project from its 2016 date and replaced it with an Uncharted movie they are excited shit out as quickly as possible.

“I think the first Super Mario Bros set a standard which the film industry has been trying to model for years,” said producer Ari Arad.  “It showed that video games have the potential to be awful movies, and we have been working hard to make sure every movie based on a video game meets that exact game standard of terrible.”

While one might have hopes for Nathan Drake’s foray to the big screen with King of Kong’s Seth Gordon set to direct, the man at the helm of the film wants everyone to know he’s not swinging for the fences.  “I was just looking for a paycheck. I’ve been spending the last couple years directing The Goldbergs on ABC and now that’s cancelled.  I fuckin’ needed this. I’m don’t know who Nathan Drake is and I don’t care, I just need to make sure I keep my house.”

Gordon isn’t the only name attached to the project, writer Davis Guggenheim is set to the pen the script.  We thought it was strange the writer/director of such documentaries as An Inconvenient Truth and Waiting for Superman would be writing an action-comedy blockbuster, but things cleared up when we spoke to the established writer.  The famous documentarian went on the record saying, “For the last fucking time, please stop calling me about the Uncharted movie.  I am an oscar winner, I’m not writing a video game movie.  You want David Guggenheim, I’m Davis Guggenheim.  Knock it off.”

David Guggenheim wrote Safe House and Stolen.  You probably saw neither of those movies, but Mick Lasalle of the San Francisco Chronicle said the script was, “…a sketch anyone might write on the back of a cocktail napkin.” Meanwhile Keith Staskiewicz of Entertainment Weekly gave the writing in Stolen a ringing endorsement by saying, “The longest stretch of logical plotting lasts about forty seconds, and the deep-rooted silliness makes it hard to take anything in the film seriously.”

I liked it better when I thought it was Davis Guggenheim.

“Sorry to let you down,” Arad said to reporters, “But we’re givin’ Uncharted the ol’ “D+” effort.  Fans of the series can look forward to us tightening the budget, allowing little time for shooting, and rushing the project to theaters in order to meagerly scrape back as much money as possible from the mouth-breathers and fans who are hoping-against-hope that we don’t butcher another one of their digital treasures.  Sorry, suckers.”

To only make matters worse, Mark Wahlberg, the man who already was part of a video game movie monstrosity when he played the lead in the unforgivable Max Payne, has been rumored to be attached, ensuring Nathan Drake is as uninteresting as possible.  When asked about ruining another video game character, Wahlberg said, “Ha, I love makin’ nerds angry.  I saw another opportunity to make some cash and ruin a character people like, so it’s all good.”  We recommend you watch The Fighter so you can see Mark Wahlberg get punched in the face.  Aside from those moments – the ones where Mark Wahlberg is punched in the face – it’s a pretty mediocre boxing movie.

Arad explained that Sony had actually considered just editing the game’s cutscenes together and releasing those instead of shooting a movie.  “In the end, we decided that wasn’t bad enough for the fans.  We didn’t want them to get a product which was – if nothing else – faithful to the source material.  We wanted to make sure we made something truly awful, and the only way to do that was to start from square one and get it truly wrong.”

From this year’s Need For Speed to the Uwe Boll classic, Bloodrayne, video game movies have a long history of not just being awful, but being utter pieces of shit.  For those who were worried that trend might be going away, don’t worry, Sony has got your back. In 2016 you will be able to watch another movie butcher a video game franchise in true serial killer fashion.

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