Star Wars: The Old Republic
What’s problematic with The Old Republic and in fact all MMORPG’s is trying to review anything that would be considered an actual review. As I only have a week to review a game I’m not going to be able to provide anything more than a First impression. So unless I go all Doctor Who on their arses and risk splitting the space time continuum for an extra couple weeks of Old Republic this is the best I can do.
I have a love hate relationship with Star Wars, like every fucking fan. But as the years have gone by and Mr Lucas has changed the films more times than an indecisive transsexual changes their genitalia, I have decided to take every new instalment of Star Wars be that film, game, book or marionette production with a truck load of salt. So The Old Republic is the latest game to try and face off the enormous slobbering beast that is World of Warcraft and like many games before it will inevitably fail. The Old Republic or TOR fails at the first and most basic hurdle by pulling the old Metal Gear 4 malarkey and having an intro scene that’s slightly longer than the average human life; unless you live in Mozambique meaning that joke doesn’t really work. The game’s set century’s before the films which is a moot point really because the Star Wars time line is about as coherent as the latest Bob Dylan records so you could plonk this game anywhere and it wouldn’t matter.
There are a few classes to choose from starting with Jedi, Smuggler and Troopers. I chose Smugger because I wanted to be a lone wolf and cap these mother truckers in the back of the head with my blaster. On the subject of blasters, one peculiar thing was all my shots seemed to land on target and you can call me a twat for complaining about that but every time a blaster was used in the films the aiming is about as accurate as Harold Camping predictions. The Smuggler has a variety of attacks for the odd hairier moment but for the most part hiding behind a rock and sinking lasers into the enemy’s face does the job.
Since the Jedi and Troopers are the power houses of the story a reason was manufactured out of used loo roll I presume for the Smugglers to be there. The story is some old tosh about a the millennium falcon’s twin brother getting stolen from some bloke with a Dick Dastardly moustache I imagine, and you have to give him a clip round the ear to get it back. Being a MMORPG the large majority of your time will be collecting oddly specific numbers of legs, arms or cocks to level up which I find about as fun as attending a Microsoft Excel party. To be fair to TOR it does throw in Mass Effect style conversations so at least I can chose in what way I say piss off. Speaking of conversations; in group chats you each pick how you want to replay and the game allocates a random number to each person and whoever has the highest number wins the right speak. Christ, now I know what the Suffragettes felt like. Also taken from Mass Effect is the shiny art style making everything look like it’s covered with Mr Sheen.
Something that was truly disappointing was the space combat. It’s nothing more than a glorified rail shooter reminiscent of Astron Belt or a dead frog. For something that Bioware boasted about like sleeping with a succession of women really just shows that they spent the nights wanking alone. To end the Smugglers story you take back the millennium sparrow and suddenly there’s a crappy bit about a treasure of some description to find. I’m not going to lie; I didn’t try and find it you can call me a lazy bastard but you can fuck Hoth.